Nobody is paying attention
Something we all face is a new skill. Any new skill of value does not come easy. It takes time and practice to learn. We will go through many stages before we can claim any high level proficiency. I teach quite a few people new skills. In almost every case I have had to confront frustration. In most cases, it comes down to a lack of patience or fear of judgement.
Lack of patience is what it is, the judgement issue runs pretty deep. So many times I see people fighting to not look foolish while learning because they have this idea that people are watching. Maybe somebody is paying attention, most likely not. I am paying attention and I expect these people to struggle, I am not judging at all. The struggle is part of the learning process. The fear of judgement is a personal issue that will get in the way of progress.
I have gone through this so many times myself. Somebody at some point in life said something that made me and many of us self conscious. We got judged once, we didn’t fully address it, and it is now a shadow of doubt that lingers while we try to achieve. Something hit you funny and now you carry it. It is time to let it go.
If you get real practical about life, you have the logic and reasoning to let go of so much baggage. Once you accept the reality of being human and the process in which we all learn or make progress, you know the doubt is unfounded and needs to be let go. If you swim on the surface and choose to not be practical, you are going to stay in your current state and not mature past that moment from so long ago that screwed you up.
I am sure you know what you can physically do. It is pretty easy to hit the floor and do some push ups or grab a bar and see how much weight you can lift. It lets you know in that moment where you are at. It is pretty black and white because iron doesn’t lie - thanks Henry Rollins :) What exercise do you put your mind thru to figure out where you are at? We all need to take time to evaluate our mental state in a practical way. We need to identify the baggage, the obstacles, the control factors… as much of it as we can handle so we have a real grasp of where we are at in totality.
I struggle just like all of us to know who I really am. I have come to a place where I have no excuses. I have let go of the idea that anyone but me is responsible for my state of being. The world has not done anything, it is my reactions to the world that have defined me. That person who said something that caused me to have doubt, it is not on them, it is on me. I processed the info and reacted as I have. It is up to me to work thru it and find the positive response, not my job to hunt down that person and make them pay.
I have really come to understand that we have fabricated so much to ignore the truth, which is we are 100% in control of our life and our responses. If I do not accept this, I give up my freedom and I give myself an excuse to not understand myself and this world more deeply. Through challenging myself I take on my weaknesses on every level. I am choosing to accept them, deal with them, and hopefully be a better human in the process.
Just because your Mom, Dad, that kid in grade school… may have said you are lacking does not mean you actually are. Just because somebody once paid attention in a negative way does not mean the world is always watching or even cares. Even if someone or the entire world is watching, who cares? It is not your job to make others happy at your own expense. It is your job to be the best human possible. The right people will embrace you and the wrong people will ridicule or reject you. Is what it is.
Aristotle said it best - A friend to everyone is a friend to no one.
Do your reps an figure out why you are who you are. Let go of the clutter others have heaped upon you and figure out how to be the most practical and honest version of yourself.